Stop Hammer Time

Stop Hammer Time is the 4th Oxventure episode of the Second 2 and the 11th episode overall, in which the Guild rebuild a town.

Synopsis
Our brave-ish heroes come across a ramshackle town that could really use a fixer-upper. Is there something in that magically sealed crypt that might help?

Summary
Some time after their last adventure, the Guild are still looking for a place to relax. They soon come across a town that looks really run down, filled ramshackled and barely standing buildings. In fact even the sign welcoming people to this town is falling apart, as it reads "Welco to Bum". They make their way through the town, and by the time they reach the town square a bunch of people followed them, which Corazón mistakes as his fans. A man is shoved is shoved from the crowd, who asks if they are tourists. The man explains that the town used to be lovely, but now the place has fallen into such disrepair that they need to be reminded of the town's true name, Bumble. The man points to a nearby crypt, which is the only building that is in decent condition, saying that there might be an item in there that might help. The man explains that the crypt contains the remains of Ethelfrith the Builder, the builder of Bumble, and the building itself seems to be protected by magic, hence why it isn't falling apart.

Corazón wants to leave, but Dob wants to help and drags the people of Bumble. They approach the crypt, Corazón more annoyed than everyone else, and Prudence and Merilwen see a message from Ethelfrith on the stone door saying "Let only those with the courage to remake cross this threshold". Egbert destroys the door with his mace, revealing a wall of obsidian behind it. Dob figures out the riddle and casts Mending on the door, annoying his fellow Guild mates. It takes twenty minutes, but eventually Dob fixes the door and it opens, allowing them to enter the crypt.

They enter the crypt, and they see Ethelfrith's sarcophagus, which is surrounded by colourful crystals, which Corazón steals. On top of the sarcophagus is a stone depiction of Ethelfrith, which is clutching a giant sledgehammer that looks like it was made yesterday. Prudence sees a powerful magic radiating off of this hammer. Corazón uses Mage Hand Legerdemain to slide the hammer out of the statute's grip and it floats above the sarcophagus. Dob takes reaches out and grabs the hammer. Suddenly sixty skeletons rise from the ground, Egbert continuously trying to knock the same three back into the ground. The skeletons speak as one and introduce themselves as Ethelfrith's Chosen, the former servants of Ethelfrith who now are sworn to serve whoever wields the hammer. Corazón tries to get Dob to give him the hammer, but Dob sees right through him. The skeletons explain that, since they are in a guild, they all command the skeletons anyway.

They all form a conga line and dance out of the crypt, horrifying the locals. The conga line of skeletons spend six hours collecting construction tools, during which the towns folk calm down and write a list of things to rebuild. Prudence doesn't feel comfortable helping so many people, so Dob dispatches five skeletons to form a palanquin for her and to do whatever she asks of them, while he also forms a band out of four of them to play music. The remaining skeletons are dispatched to rebuild the town hall. Eventually the town hall is completed, and it brings the man they talked to earlier to shed tears of joy upon looking at it. He asks where they got the stones to build it from, to which the skeletons say they got them from tearing down the local orphanage.

Slightly disturbed by this, Dob asks if there's a stone quarry nearby. After finding out that there is, he dispatches the skeletons to get enough stones to rebuild the town. Once they retrieve them, Dob tells them to rebuild the orphanage and the rest of the town without hurting or disadvantaging anyone. The skeletons get overwhelmed by this command, so Dob just tells them to build the orphanage. Eventually they build an orphanage that is much bigger than the last one that can hold more orphans, if needed, that has a pool table and other such luxuries. Dob looks at the orphanage as is proud at what he sees, but everyone else notices that the orphanage is dripping with some red substance. They ask the skeletons what stones they used and they say they used the stones from the quarry, but when they ask what's in the mortar they used they say that it was made from the orphans from the orphanage.

Dob is horrified by this, and begins testing to see if there's a sarcastic curse on the skeletons. After coming back with iffy results, Dob asks the skeletons to remove the orphans from the bricks. The skeletons then use some blood magic to remove the former orphan gloop from the building, leaving Dob caught between deciding to use Mending to try and fix the orphans or not. During all this, everyone else goes back to the crypt to find some clues as to what's up with the skeletons. Corazón discovers a message from the skeletons before they were skeletons written on the wall. It tells the tale of Ethelfrith, saying that while he was on his death bed he exclaimed that he wished he could keep on working. His servants, the skeletons, were so inspired by this that they sought a way to continue their work after death. They eventually made a deal with a warlock, who made it so they'd return after death to serve whoever wields Ethelfrith's hammer. It ends with a message from the skeletons telling their future bosses to be very specific with their instructions or else there'll be carnage.

Armed with this knowledge, Merilwen tells the skeletons to build a pub made only out of regular building equipment and no living creatures. Dob, having accepted that there is no way to bring back the orphans without causing more bloodshed, goes off to be by himself. The skeletons then proceed to build the pub at such a excruciating pace, so as to not hurt anything, but eventually they manage to build the pub. This continues for the next three weeks as they build the rest of the town. The guild take this time to sleep, except for Dob, who is still horrified at what he has done.

With the project done, the skeletons ask for a meeting. They all meet up at the newly made pub, The Bumble Bee Tavern, and the skeletons tell them that they aren't happy with how they are being managed. They say that the careful way they have been conducting themselves is painful and they want to end their contract, but the only way to end the contract is if all the Guild members die. The skeletons then say that, "with all the love in the world", they are going to kill the Guild now. The Guild agree to fight the skeletons in a battle royale, similar to the fable of Fortnite.

They create a ring of fire in the town and prepare to fight the skeletons. They first fight twenty of the skeletons, while other forty are on the other end of the flame circle doing something. Corazón casts Grease, covering six of the skeletons but only five of them slip and fall. Prudence fires an Eldritch Blast at the remaining standing skeleton, but she misses, possible on purpose. Four of the greased up skeleton then attack the group, seriously wounding Prudence. Merilwen casts Spike Growth, preparing for when the skeletons next move. As the skeletons glamber over each other to get to Egbert, he cast Flame Breath, thoroughly weakening them. Dob considers healing Prudence, but instead he tells his friends to duck, before tying a rope to the hammer, casting Heat Metal on it, and swinging it around, killing all twenty skeletons, while avoiding the grease and the spike traps. It is a this point they realise only the hammer can really damage the skeletons.

They look out to the remaining skeletons, and watch in horror as they gather together to form a gigantic Minotaur skeleton together. Corazón tries to climb on to Dob's shoulders to form a giant beast too, but when that fails he casts Grease again. To everyone's surprise, this covers the entire skeletal monstrosity, causing it to collapse. Prudence examines the creature and sees that part of it is glowing orange. She then asks Dob to slide her the hammer, and once he does she staggers to the beast and hits it on the head with the hammer. Before the hammer hits time slows down for Prudence, as she feels power coming from a familiar source flow within her. The skeletons ask if they can renegotiate before the blow lands, and the skeletal beast explodes.

With the monster of their own making destroyed, a crowed of people gather towards them. But they soon realise that this is a mob carrying torches, asking them to leave. They say that the Guild is banned from Bumble, which they do, but they take the hammer with them...

Notable Events

 * Dob receives the Hammer of Ethelfrith, and the skeleton army.
 * Dob accidentally kills fifteen orphans with the skeletons.

Guild Hijinks

 * The guild have a battle royale with an army of skeletons.
 * Corazón tries to "form up" into a mech like creature to fight the Minotaur skeleton.

Trivia

 * This episode is named after the MC Hammer song "U Can't Touch This".
 * This adventure occurs on or near Prudence's birthday.
 * This is the longest adventure (in world), taking a staggering three weeks out of the guild's time.
 * This adventure also has several callbacks for the events transpired in An Orcward Encounter.
 * Both feature the crew finding an ancient object that is taken by Dob that unleashes the main enemy of the adventure.
 * Both bosses end being killed by Prudence after she misses a previous Eldritch Blast and showed some kindness for the enemy (in An Orcward Encounter she tries talking to Evil Dob and in Stop Hammer Time is implied that she has missed her first attack for pity for the skeletons).

Behind The Scenes Trivia

 * During the live show, Luke predicted pretty much every single plot point of the adventure.
 * He knew to rebuild the door.
 * He predicted that a hammer would be inside the crypt.
 * He solved the skeletons loophole puzzle prematurely, before accidentally killing the orphans.
 * He predicted that only the hammer could really harm the skeletons.
 * He predicted that the skeletons would form a massive "Skeleton Voltron".